“You Always Make It About Yourself”

I read this sentence at fourteen years old and it destroyed me.

I’m sitting next to my childhood best friend, David, and he nudges my arm. I look over and he motions with his eyes for me to read the sentences on his flip phone. We’re in the middle of a glacier tour in Seward, Alaska for his 15th birthday trip.

He got to pick one friend to go with him. I was stoked.

We’re about halfway through the trip and we’re having a blast. His grandparents, Ti and Dex, have been taking care of us during this entire expedition and doing everything they can to make it one of the most memorable trips we may ever go on. They do this really cool thing with their grandkids where they would take them anywhere in the world for their 15th birthday. David chose Alaska.

I still remember the exact location and feeling I had when he called ME and said he wanted me to come with him on this trip. I was in my kitchen with my mom. The biggest smile came across my face as the realization of adventure dawned on my pre-pubescent brain.

I don’t remember the exact itinerary, but our first stop was Denver to meet up with Ti and Dex (still the only time I’ve ever gone to Colorado). After a day or two, we flew to Anchorage and begun driving over the southern area of Alaska.

The main places I remember visiting are Seward and Mt. McKinley, but there were plenty of tiny stops in other local areas along the way who’s name fail me.

On this particular moment, we are about a week into our journey; which is enough time for even the closest of friends to start noticing annoying traits and frustrating habits. We were sitting side by side on a ferry directed towards a giant glacier (for tourism purposes). It was 2008 so we both were rocking some sick flip phones. Although we didn’t have any service in this specific location, we still had the text box to use as our digital notepad.

After a few minutes of sitting down in silence, David nudges me and shows me his screen. Written out via T9 text is a paragraph of expressed frustration about how I’ve been acting over the last week:

“You are acting extremely selfish. This is my birthday trip. I asked you to come along as a guest. You’re my best friend but over the last seven days you have been-”

He runs out of room so he brings back his phone to delete everything and type out a new phrase (yes, kids. You used to not be able to send an essay via text. You had to keep it to a minimum amount of characters).

I sit in silence for 40 seconds trying to comprehend what I just read.

He tilts the phone screen in my direction again.

“ -you have been making it entirely about yourself. Every joke revolves around you. You beg for us to take YOUR picture. You find a way to inject yourself into every conversation and take control as the center of attention.”

I sit there with a blank stare. Absolutely horrified.

Was this a joke? Is he trying to pull a bit? I look up into his eyes. He stares at me with a gaze that blatantly states: “Did I stutter?”

I take a few seconds, stand up, and excuse myself to the restroom. I take a walk towards the downstairs of the ferry and find a corner by myself to stare out the window.

I cry.

My first thought was one of pure betrayal. How could he say that? Does my best friend hate me? Is he not my friend anymore?

My next mental step is realizing that he was 100% correct. Ever look back on memories and truly realize how your perspective was all wrong? Without even realizing it or being conscious of it, I was portraying narcissistic tendencies and behaviors. As soon as David mentioned it, all these memories flooded back to me from a new perspective.

Saying “Take a picture of me in the road!” as I tossed him the camera.

Continually making jokes about how I would get in a fight with a Polar Bear (it wasn’t funny… yet I still continued).

Filming myself in different situations rather than the people I was with and my surroundings (“Selfie” was a few years away from become an official word in the dictionary).

They didn’t seem like much individually, but compounding over a two week trip... they began to all add up.

I sat in silence downstairs and thought about jumping into the cold, freezing water outside of the boat to harm myself (first time a thought like that every crossed my mind). Was it a selfish thought? Or one that was stemmed from the true horror of realizing I was a selfish and narcissistic individual?

This moment taught me a lesson that would go on to be the most valuable skill I hold dear: Self-Awareness.

From then on I learned to think about the bigger picture. Was I being too loud? Was I talking about myself too much? When’s the last time I asked a question to another person? Ricky has been quiet a while, maybe we should bring him into the conversation. Did I say something rude? I should address it as soon as I can.

I wasn’t immediately skilled at this, and I certainly don’t execute perfectly on this today. But I do remember how this moment began to reveal the purpose of me being the “center of attention.”

Immature people steal attention from others.
Mature Leaders redistribute attention evenly.

Most people who have a knack for performance and entertainment tend to remain immature in their self awareness. They act and think like I did as an eighth grader. They try to get the laugh and refocus attention on themselves so they can find a bit of affirmation they so deeply desire.

Majority of outgoing and “fun” individuals never grow out of this stage. I catch myself noticing them, like my own personal “narcissism radar,” on a consistent basis. I can hear it in their voice and I can take a look at them in a circle of people and immediately notice their habits, posture, and tactics to continually bring the conversation back to themselves.

I know this sounds overdramatic, but I view this as a war in most situations. I look around the circle of people who are being tricked into focusing on just one individual, and I decide it’s not fair. So I steal the attention back myself. I push back against the other individual controlling the circle and force myself into the spotlight for one purpose only: to shine it on someone else.

This often looks like telling a story about myself only to look someone else in the eyes and ask them if they have a similar story. I crack a joke at my own expense only to give credit to someone else who’s been quiet for most of the conversation. All the while, trying to fight the urge to bask in the spotlight myself for too long.

This is something I want all my children to know. This is was a skill I noticed my spouse contained. I believe the world would be a better place if more people were self aware of how they make others feel. I believe introverts are more skilled in this area typically, and that’s why they typically DON’T try to be the center of attention. They’re so skilled at self awareness that it’s actually a hinderance to them. But most of the time, the “entertainer” of the group has a hard time learning this skill.

Here’s How Anyone Can Grow their “Awareness” Muscle:

1. In the middle of a conversation, start to ask yourself “how do I think the other person(s) feel right now?”
   
   Do they seem bored? are they looking at their phone or somewhere else? Are they engaged? Often we disengage from conversations when our own needs aren’t met.
   

2. Take a second and ask someone around you a genuine question
   

3. Take notice to what you say and reflect on how it makes someone else feel.
   
   Start doing this not just with the words you say, but the actions you take.

   Think through and view your actions from the lens of the other person. Not just how YOU would react to this action, but how do you think THEY would react (there’s a difference).
   

4. Work to shorten the time it takes between “your action” and “understanding of how they feel” until it’s nearly instantaneous.

By doing this, you’re not only figuring out how be more social, but this skill comes to play in any relationship.

Are you fighting with your significant other or friend? Frustrated with your parents? Confused as to why your boss (or employee) is being so standoff-ish?

Self-Awareness is a social super power that can benefit you in ANY aspect of your life. In many vocations, Self-Awareness is MANDATORY and without it you will fail.

I know what you’re thinking: “Was the Alaskan trip ruined?”

Far from it. David gave me a few minutes to myself, and then came downstairs and we hugged it out. We exchanged a few words, most of them being how we’re still friends and we were grateful for each other, and then we went back to having a fantastic trip.

I’ll forever be grateful to Ti and Dex for letting David take me on that trip. It could have easily just been a family affair… if I was in their shoes I’m not sure if I would have offered it. I had many great experiences on that trip, but I’ll never forget this moment and how it changed my perspective in life forever.

Sometimes when I tell this story, some people may feel this comes across as harsh.

“Why would he say that!?” is the typical response.

But I believe he did for me what others weren’t willing to do: reveal a blindspot. He shone a light on a weakness I had which I couldn’t see on my own. I needed help to see it. This is something a GREAT Friend does for you. They’re willing to call you out on your BS and hold you accountable for things you might not catch.

I think everyone should strive to have a GREAT Best Friend and if you want to read more about how to find one, you can read that here:

H.A.G.S,

Dino